I wish you had made it through. I know you suffered a lot and you were such a strong person. I'm glad I managed to see you last on Papa and Mama's anniversary, but how I wish we had said our goodbyes..

Mama is strong about losing both her parents. She feels guilty all the time, because you're all the way in Malaysia and we're all the way here, though come to think of it, we're just a few hours away. Alor Star where Mak Ngah lives is also just a few hours away from you. Mama has sacrificed so much so that you are well. Everytime she talks about you, she feels sad, not angry, because she misses you.

I miss pushing your wheelchair when we see the doctor at JPMC. I miss having both you and Atuk to fetch me at school. I miss your greeting everytime I arrive home from school. I miss seeing you shoo-ing the cats away. I'll miss receiving your my birthday cards from KL.

I just wished you would be able to see me get married and have kids, your cicits, just how Mama's grandma managed to see me. We had your room widened in the renovation plan for the house.. Dr Sabri was just about to bring you Umrah.. You were supposed to have another birthday on the 7th of September.. now that's all changed.

You walked funny but I know that everytime you do, you are in pain, a pain I can never imagine. You have taught me to look after my knees and to not be so used to wearing heels if it has to support a lot of weight to your body. I don't need heels that much cos I'm tall enough.

It is true that you never know how much you love someone til they're gone. I hope you know that I cared for you so much when you were alive, and I hope that was clear, not just on Mother's Day.

I think about you almost everyday, and eventhough I still have one grandma and one grandpa left, I envy people when they talk about their grandma cos to me, you were the best grandparent I ever had. The best, not all of their grandparents went to a convern school, so I know you'd be able to read this entry cos you won't understand me when I speak the Brunei language. I hope Mama turns out to be a grandma just like you.

I know you'd be proud of all of us, including Mak Ngah's children, when we grow up.